it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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