I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
