I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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