Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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