Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
