Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
