Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
