I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
