I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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