During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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