Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
