whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
