you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
