I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
