I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
