i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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