omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
