I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
