Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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