Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
