I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I still have a little drunk in my system
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
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