So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
