Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
