i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
