I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
