During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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