Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
