I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
