Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Please don't give away my fajitas
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
