AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
