Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize
