And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
