May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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