just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
