Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
