Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
