I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
