I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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