I can text with my tongue
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
