i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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