Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I smell like Dick and happiness
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
