Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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