$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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