trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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