I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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