im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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