yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
