Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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