Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
