I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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