Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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