That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
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