Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
